Speaking of noise and controversy, there actually was some here Thursday night, and it brought back memories of the great and semi-wacko Goran Ivanisevic, the delightful Croatian, who always told it like he thought it was - especially to umpires, linesmen and sportswriters - and somehow survived all that to win a Wimbledon title in 2001 after being runner-up three times. They will soon find a machine to filter that out, too. Now, the most controversial thing left might be some of the female players’ loud grunting. McEnroe stomped on that for a while and its only result was, say, 5 million more people paying attention to the sport. Tennis has always had this white-clothing, vanilla image. Spectators can now expect robotic, emotionless matches. McEnroe was embarrassing some of the time, but really fun some of the time, too.

The competitive spigot for so many of these adrenaline-filled, hard-charging, world-class athletes has been turned off before they even step on the court. Where tennis is headed is zero controversy. This way, they won’t have to buy the ball kids hamburgers anymore. It will be a huge savings for tournaments, which is the genesis for all these things. There are still ball kids, but how long do you think that will last? Some geek is surely sitting somewhere in a dingy basement, inventing an app that will allow the chair umpire to activate an on-court vacuum that will scoop up all the balls and bounce them gently to the serving player. “Out,” barks the Wizard of Odd, even though the shot wasn’t really out, just short. That gets a little weird when the player hits a serve into the net. The ball misses a line and a voice out of the sky somewhere - we will call her the Tennis Wizard of Odd - barks that the ball is OUT. It not only calls all the lines, but has a loud female voice confirming what the camera has seen, and ruled.

The electronic line calling system called Hawk-Eye is now Hawk-Eye Live. There will be no controversy, tennis has decreed. Now, they have to take on machines, which means there is now no element for controversy. The chance for tennis players to argue calls is over. “You cannot be serious,” McEnroe whines, repeating an act that once got him in hot water with a tennis chair umpire and that he has parlayed into a zillion-dollar brand.

(AP file photo)Īn elderly looking John McEnroe spills red sauce from his cafeteria tray onto his white tennis shorts, as Serena Williams destroys attacking ball machines with lethal forehands and backhands. The dispute was over a call during McEnroe's match with Terry Moore. John McEnroe gestures angrily on May 9, 1980, in New York as he argues a call with umpire Joey Lessing, right, and head referee Fred Hoyles, center.

You Cannot Be Serious by John McEnroe